Tuesday laff......
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Tuesday laff...... - 5/6/2008 6:12:16 PM
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raporte
Posts: 1784
Joined: 1/29/2007
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I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to shit yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the ma rket; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. ; One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of w hat is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, re-acquired my partially filled cart
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United States Navy - Vietnam 67-69
Kansas Patriot Guard
2005 Road King
You'll never stand taller than when you stoop to help a child!
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RE: Tuesday laff...... - 5/6/2008 6:23:25 PM
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tcob
Posts: 21
Joined: 1/7/2008
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That one gave me tears and a concerned look from my wife!
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RE: Tuesday laff...... - 5/6/2008 9:29:53 PM
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dieselweasel
Posts: 88
Joined: 2/17/2008
From: Marietta, Ga
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I haven't laughed that hard in a loooong time. Thanks.
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RE: Tuesday laff...... - 5/6/2008 9:55:01 PM
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coastrider
Posts: 725
Joined: 1/30/2008
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Got tears dripping on the keyboard from laughing so much. Now that was funny. Best laugh I've had in a long time.
Ride Safe.
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RE: Tuesday laff...... - 5/6/2008 10:01:44 PM
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JBaker421
Posts: 7372
Joined: 3/13/2007
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Funny. 
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Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice Doggie' until you can find a rock. - Will Rogers
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RE: Tuesday laff...... - 5/7/2008 1:11:30 AM
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Silverglide
Posts: 420
Joined: 2/21/2006
From: La Mirada, CA
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OMG that was to funny....
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2004 FXD
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RE: Tuesday laff...... - 5/7/2008 7:18:02 AM
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MrsLive2Ride
Posts: 122
Joined: 4/21/2008
Status: offline
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"The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on."
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Printable Version
ROFLMAO
