A POME
by Roosterboots.

Ahem....

Twuz the night before Christmas and in the garage
Sat a cream and teal Harley with bags, small and large.

A ’98 Softail with studs, fringe and chrome.
I bought her with cash. I gave her a home.

“Lola” I named her, the tank bears her name.
She looks like a lady but sounds like John Wayne.

I had trouble sleeping, knowing “she” was out there.
It was three in the morning. I wanted some air.

My wife and my children were soundly asleep.
I crept out of the house. I made not a peep.

I strapped on my helmet and buttoned my vest,
Fingerless gloves…I was looking my best.

I threw my leg over. I pulled on some choke.
I started the engine. I inhaled her smoke.

A backfire, a sputter, a cough and a clink,
A primary rattle (a new sound, I think).

I kicked down the shifter and rolled on some gas.
With a thunk and a shudder, I’m moving at last!

Then out from nowhere, it ran through a red
And stopped right before me (I thought I was dead)!

Stomping the brakes as hard as I could,
I squealed to a halt, dismounted and stood

In front of the driver, whose *** I would kick.
But I quickly ID’d him…little old Saint Nick!

I screamed and I cussed. I was ready to fight!
But, hey…he was Santa and this was his night.

“Hey, Dude! Cool out! You’ll make yourself ill,”
He adjusted his shades and pulled out some pills.

“This one is Lortab, on account of my back.
Lugging those toys threw my spine out of whack.”


“The red one’s for sleeping, the green wakes me up,
and the tiny blue tablet’s for when I get lucky.”

He snorted some powder as white as the snow,
“Helps me stay sharp! I’m up all night, you know.”

“Last year I was sleepy and parked on a roof,
Slid off to one side. Ended up in a pool.”

“The reindeer all drowned, unable to swim
Yeah that made the holiday just a bit grim.”

“But you got reindeer now,” I pointed and said.
“Replacements” he answered. “The old crew is dead.”

“Rudolph passed in his sleep back in ’74.”
“His liver gave out. Couldn’t take any more.”

“And Donner and Blitzen got outside the fence.”
“We heard two gun shots. Haven’t seen ‘em since.”

“But that’s all OK,” he said with a smile,
“My new herd is better. I’m flyin’ in style.”

He laughed and he giggled as he got in his sleigh.
“Hate to be short but I’m busy today.”

He picked up the reins and then took out the slack,
And snapped his whip right on the lead reindeer’s back.”

“On Paxil! OnXanax! On Prozac! On Pot!”
“On Elavil, Aventyl, Nardyl, Zoloft!”

His sleigh rose like a jet in the clear starry night,
Crossed in front of the moon and was soon out of sight.

I parked my old Harley and to my surprise,
There was a gift with my name on it sitting inside!

“Santa!” I squealed as I tore at the wrap!
Then I gasped when I saw what a huge piece of crap

He had left me a cup holder…METRIC, no less!
If I see that fat bastard again, I’ll kick his ***!