I remember a story about a man in Miami who put aside money for several years to buy a Porche. He finally had enough for a down payment and the dealership helped arrange financing for the rest. That same evening, he drove his fine, new Porche 911 home to his condo in one of the nicer neighborhoods.

Fearing theft, he stopped by Lowe's first and bought twenty yards of tractor chain and the biggest lock he could find. When he got home, he parked the car between two palm trees, looped the chain around the trees and through the car's open windows, and locked in. Then he managed to roll up the windows, trapping the lock inside where it was protected by the car's own anti-theft system.

Feeling a little paranoid, he came downstairs the next morning and found his car right where he left it, still chained to the two palm trees, locked, and facing the opposite direction from the previous night!

The note on his dashboard said, "When we want it, we'll come and get it."

1. To a professional thief, it's just another lock. They'll pay an expert to show them how to overcome it.

2. To a carjacker, you're simply in their way. First, they dust you off the bike. If you think nobody's still watching you as you try to pull a gun out, you're mistaken.

3. If you get off a lucky shot at the perps and miss, your bullet will continue along the same path until it strikes a young child of an opposite race. On the news, you'll come off looking like someone who fell off their bike and got angry.

4. If you do manage to shoot the bike jackers, the prosecutor will protect his job by going after the case that offers the least resistance. Check the color of your skin. Are you protected against the DNC money machine?

5. If you live through the ordeal uninjured, the police will file your case under "bike thefts." Those are slightly less important than truancy enforcements.

6. Follow common sense when riding your bike. If you are jacked, the two pieces of equipment you will most likely need are your HELMET and your CELL PHONE.